You gave your daughter this cute little porcelain doll for Christmas. It scared her so much, she now refuses to talk to you and tells all of her friends you're a child abuser. Feeling angry and betrayed, you ate 4 pounds of warm butter and a double batch of Grandma's raw cookie dough before severely pummelling the unwanted little troublemaker until its head caved in.

This only goes to show that people really do gain weight during the holidays and that the giving of dolls should be left to professionals.